“FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER”

For the first time in forever I am sat by the pool happy and content, I’m not worrying about my size (I’m not fat but I’m bigger than my usual) I’m not worried about what other people think, I’m just doing me! I have really had to fight hard with myself about my body confidence, every single round has ruined my body in some way or another. Whether it’s been internal or external the changes are there!! And I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that those changes are out of my control. I can diet I can exercise and I can be as healthy as possible but those hormones are going to change it regardless. People close to me get annoyed I think at the way I am about my body because I simply just can’t be happy fat, I’m happy in a 10 (I am aware 10/12/14 isn’t “fat” but for myself it is) I’d rather be an 8 but I’m happy in a 10.

Every round I have to pick myself up mentally, have to start from scratch and build myself back up to happy. And every round I have to build myself up physically. This last round I gained 1.5stone!! A friend said “it’s 1.5stone of sexy” what an amazing way to look at it haha!

Ladies that have had a baby don’t beat themselves up about their weight gain cos they have had a baby so atleast they gained something out of it, a couple of stone and a beautiful baby or two, I just gain weight, heartache and have to start again!! Now unfortunately I am one of those ppl that are really hard on themselves and get really upset when I don’t look the way I want to, so I change myself, tattoos, diets, filler & Botox, hair colour, a shitload of squats!! But it makes me feel better about myself!! I enjoy making the changes that are in my control cos I have no control over anything else. A lot of people won’t like it but I do and so does my OH so what harm is it doing?? None! My Body My choices My life…it’s just me!! I embrace the changes I make myself just like I’m having to embrace my scars from surgery’s, my stretch marks from pregnancy’s I have lost, big boobs from meds and pregnancies, cellulite from my last round, darker thread veins in my legs from last round, pigmentations from medication and so much more!!

Learn to love your body, love yourself, love your scars, embrace it all, embrace your journey and what your body has been through and be proud of yourself and your body 😍

“Beauty is the opposite of perfection – it’s about confidence charisma and character”

Sleeping Beauty

“Sleeping beauty”

I am the opposite tonight

Can not sleep at all!!

It’s not really my mind that’s keeping me awake I actually think I’m too relaxed to sleep (never thought that could happen) but being awake is making my mind work overtime. As happy as I feel on my amazing holiday with my gorgeous OH I can’t help but feel all the effects of our IVF journey. Here’s my thoughts…

One: How amazing is it being on holiday without kids!!! Literally my only worries for the day are what time should I eat what time is it socially ok to have my first beer (11am onwards is the answer) and which side of my body should I tan (the body ivf has ruined…but that’s another post..I will get to that 🤪) I lie by the pool and think WOW holidaying with a child looks awful, they cry they scream they wonder off they spill food spill drinks they walk off towards the pool without armbands on…they are whirlwinds and it looks exhausting!!

Two: How amazing would it be to be on holiday with our own kid!!! When the little whirlwinds smile at their mummy n daddy and you can hear them laughing and you can see them all just making memories, me and my OH laughing and smiling cos someone else’s kid did something cute. That heart wrenching feeling of “I may never have one of those”

Three: It doesn’t matter if we have kids or we don’t have kids we are happy 😊 being on holiday with my OH just reminds me of how much we love each other and how much we have grown together. How different we are now to when we first met. The scars we now carry on our hearts. The amount of times we have helped each other heel those scars. No matter what our future holds we will Be happy and live a good life together.

Your feelings through IVF are just never simple there is always more than one (3 to be exact today) Always more sides to every feeling..

One:

“They had a child and it filled their lives with sunshine”

This may come true!! We may have a child

Two:

“I know you…I walked with you once upon a dream”

How il feel once I see our baby

Three:

“They say if you dream a thing more than once, it’s sure to come true”

I best keep dreaming 😍

….time for some more sleep

Night xx

Tangled

TANGLED

Gosh what a day of emotions!! Really have been tangled up with myself!! So today is my OTD and what a drama… …so this morning I woke up 4am and did my clearblue digital (won’t be using them again) it said the dreaded words “not pregnant” I felt sick but was like “I’m not having that!” Got dressed got in my car 4.15am and set off to Asda to buy some reliable tests!!…one clear blue normal not digital and a first response!! Then drove my loony self home…got back in bed and led there until it had been 2hrs since my last wee (longest wait ever) oh I need to add that whilst I was doing all of this my OH is completely unaware cos I didn’t want to wake him n worry him! So once bladder had filled off I went with my tests, 3mins later (felt like 3hrs) clear blue showed faint positive and first response showed a stronger but still faint positive!! Both on my second wee of the day…but I couldn’t get my head around all the tests looking so different!!

Clear blue digital: no

Clear blue normal: maybe

First response: yes

How does that even happen!!! 3 tests 3 outcomes

So I prayed to our embryos, prayed to lost loved ones, prayed to god and waited for the clinic to ring. 10.30 they ring, and have made the decision that I must test again tomorrow (great 24hrs of hell)

Feel very strange, part of me is excited because you can’t get a false positive, part of me is still devastated at the sight of “not pregnant” I’m confused at the maybe, and then bring in the what ifs!! What if I’m pregnant but I’m losing it that’s why it’s faint, what if I’m just pregnant and this is my time (that’s a good what if) what if it’s a chemical pregnancy? What if what if what if what if!! Exhausting!!!

Going to try and spend my day thinking positive..and think well at the minute they are still in there cos my hcg level showed on a test so they haven’t gone yet! And they may not go, so let’s focus on that!! Let’s focus on the light at the end of this very long dark tunnel… focus on the dream… focus on the happy ever after xx

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“I won’t stop, for every minute of the rest of my life, I will fight” Rapunzel, Tangled

Jasmines face says it all

So I am 8dp5dt and I feel like she looks. I’m exhausted!! It’s so hard feeling so many symptoms and not knowing what’s causing them!! Well I have a choice of 3 causes:

1. Im pregnant

2. AF Is coming

3. Hormone Pessaries (evil butt bullets)

And I won’t find out until Tuesday!!

Now if you don’t want to hear TMI (too much info) then stop reading 😛

So over the last 8 days I’ve had no spotting at all which is good sign!! But also a bad one cos I haven’t had implantation bleed which I’ve had on previous cycles! I’ve put on weight because I can’t stop eating!! I am literally hungry all the time!! My OH has actually told me to stop eating 🤣 I am cramping like crazy every single day!! I’m sore and achy like you get when u have the flu 🤧 I have had night sweats, really bad ones where had to get in shower! I’m having really vivid dreams that freak me out!!

Mentally I have only really felt mental today which is late on for me, I’m usually testing and googling from 2dp not 8!! So I’m doing good this time round, but my anxiety is slowly creeping up on me the closer test day gets….but another day ticked off just 4 full days to get through to find out if these two little eggs have stuck!!

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TRANSFER DAY

EGG TRANSFER DAY

Well it’s been a mixture of emotions already today!

Nervous: I was so nervous for the call this morning to tell me how many of our 8 embryos we still had!

Shocked: was a bit of shock for the embryologists words to be we have 1 good quality embryo (ermm what about the rest!!!)

Relief: what a relief when she followed that bombshell with you have one we able to freeze today and the other 6 we are going to watch until tomorrow

Annoyed: that they are just going to transfer 1!! Erm no you can put two in thanks and not just waste my embryos and risk them not being able to be frozen!!

Accomplished: when she agreed with me and I got my own way 😊 2 embryos being transferred today

Disappointment: we started off with 17, out of them we got 8, out of them only 1 being frozen and 2 transferred! 17 down to 3!

Grateful: I soon came to realise that actually I should be grateful for the amount I have because so many don’t achieve that and let’s face it it only takes one!! (Well it should only take one, Ive been through 5 so far)

Happy: it’s transfer day!!! And in an hours time I will be PUPO!!! And I am going to enjoy it!! I am going to be happy in my little PUPO bubble for the next 2ww

So please pray for us, hope for us, send us baby dust, cross your fingers toes and eyes for us!!

Bring on the 2ww….

Incase your wondering why that pic-it’s me in the waiting room

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EGG RETRIEVAL

FINGERS CROSSED FOR FROSTIES

❄️🥚❄️🥚❄️🥚❄️🥚❄️🥚

Well it’s egg collection day!! I am led on the hospital bed waiting. OH has gone to do his thing in pot (come on swimmers!) I’m just led here waiting for lady number 2 to go down for her procedure before I get changed into the lovely backless gown they have provided, my extra stone heavier body hanging out of that is not attractive 🤣

Made the mistake of weighing myself this morning and I have gone from 63.5kg/9.10 to 68.5kg/10.7!!!! Thank you injections thank you very much, no wonder my jeans don’t fit 🤣

Haven’t felt nervous up until this point but it’s creeping in now! All the questions and what ifs! What if his swimmers decide to just paddle today and not front crawl!!??!! What if the follicles on my ovaries (that I imagine look like a bunch of grapes) are just fluid and no embryos in them?!! What if my embryos (if get some) don’t like his paddling swimmers!!!??!! But what if and this is a big what if….what if his swimmers swam like Olympians winning gold and all my grapes are ripe embryos!! And my grapes like his Olympic gold medalists!! And we get loads!!!!???!!!! Just have to wait and see won’t we 😝 …Xx

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Trigger

TRIGGER NIGHT!!!!

What a week it has been!! So I went in for bloods and a scan on Sunday and I had twenty follicles on right ovary and 13 on my left. Went again yesterday and there was 5 in the green band on the chart (good size follicles) and they booked me in for egg collection on Friday!!! So I have to do my trigger tonight at 11pm ready 🙌🏼

Been struggling this week with heavy ovaries (makes sense seeing as follicles are over 15mm each now) like carrying bunches of grapes instead of ovaries 🍇🍇🤣

Had a lot of aching in my legs and more weight gain,been very tired but other than that it has been pretty smooth sailing this time around (makes a change)

It has gone soooo fast this time, it’s bizarre I havnt really felt like I’m in IVF world this time, just seems to have passed me by in a blink, which is really refreshing cos my last 5 rounds have been pure hell on earth!!

Let’s hope I don’t get ohss this time and get plenty of embryos out and plenty of Frosties 🤞🏼🧚🏼‍♀️🥀

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Happy things give u wings

Day 2 stims 🙌🏼

Went for my bloods yesterday and all was so I started my menopur! I didn’t think I would be starting them until today so all my dates I have in my head have all been brought forward a day (woohoo)

Had a bit of a melt down the other night with my hormones!! I just started crying out of no where and couldn’t make it stop but other than that the weekend has been good, my OH took me out for tea last night and we had a lovely evening xx this morning I have been for a walk with a friend and her beautiful daughter (an ivf miracle baby 😍) and now I am led in my garden xx

Body update: STILL FAT it’s now evenly spread which draws the attention away from my belly I suppose but it’s on my arms thighs back face boobs ass everywhere!! Tired on and off and still not sleeping through, have a headache creeping in so staying hydrated.

Mind update: still feeling positive!! Still calm and taking it all day by day, listening to my body and what it needs and just going with it! Thinking of happy things 😍

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DORI

“Just keep swimming just keep swimming” 🎶🎵

🐠

This round I said to myself I would take it day by day and not worry about things that haven’t happened yet and cause myself unnecessary stress worry and massive anxiety attacks like last time!

And do you know what it’s working!!

I am the calmest I have been on any cycle and this is my 6th. I literally just focus on getting through the one day, I wake up so moody so I just think right stay quiet n calm until it passes have your brew (decaf 🙄) and get ready for work, then set w time to have breakfast and my next brew, that gets me to 11am ish then focus on getting to dinner 12.30 afternoon brew & biscuit 2.30/3 hometime 4.30…then plan my evening, listen to your body if it’s tired out just lay on the couch n watch the soaps!! If you want fresh air then go for a walk or sit in garden with a book. Make sure have a nice tea and once your showered and settled for bed try get comfy and sleep 💤 love bedtime cos it means I’ve made it through another day!! Then repeat!!

My symptoms are different everyday so doing it day by day is so much better!!I had a bad headache on Sunday and usually I would be like “oh great that’s it headaches for 4wks” but this time I was “right let’s rest and sleep it off it might be gone when wake up” now it hadn’t completely worn off but it had eased so no drama needed 🙂 Days 7-9 been my worst so far but today is day10 and I’m a lot brighter 🙌🏼 tomorrow might be crap again but il deal with that tomorrow and enjoy today 😊

Body update: boobs are even bigger, I have grown an extra chin, weight gain is a big symptom this time!! Aches and pains easing

Mind update: Feeling good today 😍

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THIS IS ME

For some reason lyrics in certain songs some how seem relevant in different times of my life, currently this is on repeat…..
This Is Me
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)
I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me
“This is brave, this is proof, This is who I’m meant to be, this is me”