“You don’t lose hope love. If you do you lose everything”
Ohhhh the anxiety this week has been overwhelming, over powering and just exhausting!! I have spent the last few days so unsettled and battling with myself, so many thoughts, fears and emotions my body just can’t decide which to deal with first!
It’s been a while since I wrote properly, I have been too scared to share, too scared to acknowledge how I am feeling deep down. It’s so very easy to shut it all away, put a smile on and carry on with daily life. I’m not walking around purposely hiding my inner feelings but I haven’t been ready to deal with the heartache (if I ever will be ready…I’ve started writing and I can’t bring myself to let it out)
….So I had to leave my blog yesterday and come back to it this morning…
Sat here again in Cafe Nero before I go for some bloods, sat with a caramel latte and gingerbread man! Thinking of Christmas 🎄 thinking how I could be 11weeks pregnant this year if round 8 works (would have been 30weeks if round 6 hadn’t gone so horribly wrong at 6weeks) or I could be normal and just eating Stilton wheels and drinking Baileys coffees daily 😍 who’s knows!! ….round 7 was cancelled (incase u noticed the numbers😜) I surged on the wrong day for frozen transfer 🙄
Round 8!! Who would have thought in April 2016 on my first round I would be still doing this in October 2018!! It’s so crazy to realise how much of my life so far has been full of heartache, mainly to do with trying to be a mummy (other things too but I won’t bore u with the deets)
Now don’t get me wrong I have had some absolutely amazing times and I have sooooo many happy memories with OH family and friends. I have a really happy life!! And I certainly wouldn’t ever class myself as “unhappy” without a baby but it’s always there…that feeling…that emptiness…that purpose in life that I’m missing…that feeling of loss and mourning for all the babies we have lost on this journey (5!)
It’s different to losing a baby normally I think (just my personal opinion) for people that miscarry when conceived naturally it’s already a baby, for me if I dont make it passed OTD then I lose an embryo, it’s not a baby yet but in my mind it’s still a baby cos it’s our embryo but it’s not a baby yet (confusing to read never mind feel) …ectopic baby loss..it’s a baby it’s a miscarriage..it’s life changing cos they take some of your chance to conceive naturally away from you (your tubes) then there’s the embryos that stick but are yet to get passed 6 weeks, they are babies already they are attached. People say well it’s better to lose it earlier on, is it??!! I don’t know. It didn’t feel better to me at OTD or 5weeks or 6weeks or 8week ectopic. They are all just as painful and heartbreaking as the last one.
But I need to try not dwell on all the loss!! I need to try focus on the next round, this round! Need to keep positive (easier said than done) I need to think and manifest some good into my life (fertility life, I’m happy with rest of my life) maybe if I picture myself at 11weeks at Xmas, if I picture it often enough and pray hard enough it will happen! …must not give up hope 😍🤞🏼🙏🏼🧚🏼♀️🥀