5DP5DT

5DP5DT up 5am!

Omg I’m exhausted

Really bad sleep last night

I have such bad aches going down my legs!! It’s like a nerves trapped or like when ur legs are going dead (weird & annoying) I tried sleeping with a pillow between my legs to ease my hip pains and that seemed to work

5am woke up dying for the loo and couldn’t stop sneezing!! This had happened the last 3days (again weird & annoying)

So let me catch you up on the last few days 🤗…

Thursday 4am woke up with aches in lower abdo and lower back, pretty sure I was implanting (I’m crazy I know) but I’m pretty convinced I was. Our dog has been weird since Thursday am!! She knows!! (I know – I’m crazy) but she knows!! Even OH is convinced we’re pregnant because of her behaviour 🤣 last night she literally just sat staring at me for ages just sat there 🐶 and she follows me everywhere, won’t leave my side she even came upstairs following me and she knows she’s not allowed upstairs! 🙏🏼🌈

Symptoms wise I have on and off nausea all day and night, worse at night! Sore & large boobies (oh happy about that) Feel hungry a lot but full quickly (good for no weight gain as don’t eat as much) I have had a stitch like feeling in my left side since Saturday and it doesn’t seem to be shifting. I find it so strange to have all these symptoms because if I was TTC naturally surely I wouldn’t feel like this so early. It must be because we have medications on top of the hormones pregnancy causes therefore heightening everything cos my pelvis/hips/stomach/legs ache like crazy which seems odd when the baby (yes I know it’s early to refer to it as a baby when I don’t even no pregnant yet haha) when it’s like the size of a seed!!

What’s your thoughts….

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Transfer 6

The day has come!!

TRANSFER DAY

Our last embryo!! Lucky number 9?

9 will forever be my lucky number if so 🍀9️⃣ Just waiting for the phone call to let us know if our frostie has defrosted ok ❄️🤞🏼…..

Woohooooooo our Frostie has survived defrosting!!!! After a very anxious morning of waiting 🙄 9.40am they rang me and I was on pins waiting for them to say it hadn’t survived. Well it was just a consent call to makesure we wanted them to go ahead with the thaw…YES PLEASE!! So they advised me they would call in an hour to let us know if we are ok to set off (we have a 1.5hr drove and 1hr Accupuncture before transfer) 2HOURS40MINUTES later they ring. “Sorry was a bit of a delay” A BIT!! might only be 1hr40mins over for you but in those 100minutes I’d given up all hope that it had survived!! So she got a bit of a sharp tongue 🙈 the fact it had survived lifted my mood immediately so she got off lightly tbf 🤣 (don’t annoy a hormonal mess) SO we are on our way!!! Accupuncture 2/2.15pm and transfer at 3pm… il let you know how it all went later!! Here goes….

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New week

It’s a New Week!

It’s scan week!

I have been on progynova for a week now and other than nausea for first 4days I’ve been ok really!! Even managed to do a 5hr aerobathon for charity over the weekend!! My boobs have grown and are really sore so I’ve been and bought some comfy aka nonsexy bras (must to oh disgust 🤣) but my boobies delight!! But other than that I feel pretty good xx Bit emotional on and off but think that’s more down to the situation than the meds…or maybe it’s a bit of both xx

I’ve had a lovely weekend with oh…feeing relaxed and ready for the next stage this week xx

Scan is on Thursday to check lining is looking ready for frostie number 9…I will keep you all updated xx

Much love luck and baby dust to you all xx

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Here we go again…

So I have been MIA for a few months but I am BACK!I have missed my blog and i feel like I’m getting back to myself again and ready to share again.

Now as you all know my journey has not been a fairytale 👸🏽…more action/horror 🤣 but I have not given up on my fairytale ending 🧚🏼‍♀️

I am so lucky to have such amazing supportive family & friends to keep me going and keep pursuing my dream of being a mummy and my OH to be the amazing daddy I know he will be. So I left St Marys at Manchester, after they accepted me for treatment then cancelled me the day before was due to start my ovulation testing due to incompetence of staff. It was the final nail in the coffin for me, I had had enough. This journey is hard enough with out the clinic adding stress and upset. Thankfully I have the best dad in the world, who not only gets me through every single day, but offered to pay to take our last Frostie private. What a guy 🥰 It was a really daunting thought for me to move private and out of the nhs cos once you start spending money on IVF when do you stop?! I had always thought that we wouldn’t have to get to that stage, we had two stimulations with plenty of frosties, but after 5 transfers,4 miscarriages and a few cancelled due to illness here we are. We are at the stage I thought we never would be. I continue to watch other people’s treatment work first time (unbelievably happy for all these ppl but as u all know it makes you sad for yourself) continue to see people conceive naturally (again very happy for them) continue to live with the fear that this may never work for us, for me! I’ve gained a new fear this last year, What if he leaves me? And gets someone else pregnant! Now this is ridiculous because my OH loves me and I know that but this journey puts such a strain on you, as a couple we have become stronger through it and he supports me but it’s getting serious now and I’m scared. All the time. Scared of all the different outcomes that are out of our control but after 4 years of IVF who wouldn’t be scared.

So anyway… I’m sat in Knutsford waiting for my scan at my shiny new clinic 😊 getting checked to makesure my womb, cervix and lining are all ok to start on my next cycle! I got really poorly on my medicated FET so this Consultant has changed it up abit (thank god) Progynova tablets from Day1, the wonderful bullets that ruin ur life 🤣 Cyclogest! And a blood thinner called Clexane which I start the day of transfer. I am also booking acupuncture for the day of transfer, you have one session before you go in and one when you come out, so hopefully these changes will be the changes we need for our little miracle to stick and stay!!!

Ok I’ve waffled on a bit this morning…best go!! Wish me luck and baby dust!! Il let you know how I get on…..

#readme #blog #instablogger #blogger #myjourney #fertility #ivfjourney #ivf #icsi #daysinthesun #disney #mystory #positive #lifestyle #workingonmyself #mylife #blogging #tellingmystory #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #fertilityissues #followmyjourney #followmyblog #bloglife 🧚🏼‍♀️👸🏽🥀

Sunday struggles

Been suffering with a migraine since Friday and just can’t seem to get it to shift 😭🤒🤕 could be my sinuses with this cold weather or could be stress 🤔 not sure I feel stressed though! I don’t know about you guys but I really suffer mentally when I’m struggling physically! It’s like I am always just on the brink of happy and sane then all it takes is abit of a bug or a headache or flu and I fall straight back down to struggling level 🙃 need to try build myself back up this week and work on my health again and my mental health with it #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #struggling #workonyourself #ivf #ivfcommunity #ivfjourney #ivfblog #ivfblogger #blogger

Someday

Somedays I really struggle

Somedays I don’t want this life

Somedays I don’t want to be on this journey

Somedays I cry

Somedays I hurt inside

Somedays I just sit and think of our angel babies

Most days I dream of our rainbow baby

Most days I am grateful for being strong enough for this journey

Most days I am happy

Most days I dream that it will all be worth the pain because someday we will have our baby

Everyday is different

Everyday is a day closer to our dream

Everyday is a blessing to be healthy and have a healthy family and be loved 🥰💗🧚🏼‍♀️🥀

#readme #blog #instablogger #blogger #myjourney #fertility #ivfjourney #ivf #icsi #daysinthesun #disney #mystory #positive #lifestyle #workingonmyself #mylife #blogging #tellingmystory #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #fertilityissues #followmyjourney #followmyblog #bloglife #ectopicpregnancy #ectopicpregnancysurvivor #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #surviving

2019

Happy new year everyone!!

Sending everyone on this journey baby dust and luck for 2019!!

Let’s hope we all get our miracles ✨

This has to be our year!!

🤰🏻🤱🏻💖🥰✨🧚🏼‍♀️

Sunday

Let’s do this 🙌🏼

Led in the bath thinking about how different I thought this year was going to be, but how grateful i am for how it is! All my loved ones happy & healthy! I may not be a mummy yet I may not have my rainbow baby yet but I have so much love in my life and so much inner strength to keep going that I cant help but smile 😊 xx be grateful for everything good in your life xx fight for what you want xx be happy xx be strong xx be you xx 😘

#readme #blog #instablogger #blogger #myjourney #fertility #ivfjourney #ivf #icsi #daysinthesun #disney #mystory #positive #lifestyle #workingonmyself #mylife #blogging #tellingmystory #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #fertilityissues #followmyjourney #followmyblog #bloglife 🥀🥀🥰🥰🧚🏼‍♀️🧚🏼‍♀️

Stamp collecting

Filling my stamp book 🤪

(9 coffees 10th free at cafe Nero)

So I am on day 8 of my blood tests to check my LH levels and waiting for my surge! Day 15 of my cycle!

Yesterday the clinic called me to say “you’ve surged” and booked me in for my transfer next week, was so happy to be booked in and so relieved to not be travelling in everyday. The clinic rang again “I’m really sorry I gave u the wrong result” are you kidding me!!!! Absolutely fuming!! The incompetence of this clinic is just unbelievable! The only reason they realised their error was because whilst I was wittering on on the phone to them I said “oh that’s early for me” (I witter when nervous, also laugh n smile which is usually inappropriate) so when she got off the phone she double checked as I had said it was early for me, good job checked cos wasn’t my result! So I’m not booked in for transfer, hopes raised then crashed bk down 🙄…..so I’m bk today for more bloods! Only have today tomorrow and Saturday to surge so fingers crossed 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

#readme #blog #instablogger #blogger #myjourney #fertility #ivfjourney #ivf #icsi #daysinthesun #disney #mystory #positive #lifestyle #workingonmyself #mylife #blogging #tellingmystory #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #fertilityissues #followmyjourney #followmyblog #bloglife

Hope vs Heartache

“You don’t lose hope love. If you do you lose everything”

Ohhhh the anxiety this week has been overwhelming, over powering and just exhausting!! I have spent the last few days so unsettled and battling with myself, so many thoughts, fears and emotions my body just can’t decide which to deal with first!

It’s been a while since I wrote properly, I have been too scared to share, too scared to acknowledge how I am feeling deep down. It’s so very easy to shut it all away, put a smile on and carry on with daily life. I’m not walking around purposely hiding my inner feelings but I haven’t been ready to deal with the heartache (if I ever will be ready…I’ve started writing and I can’t bring myself to let it out)

….So I had to leave my blog yesterday and come back to it this morning…

Sat here again in Cafe Nero before I go for some bloods, sat with a caramel latte and gingerbread man! Thinking of Christmas 🎄 thinking how I could be 11weeks pregnant this year if round 8 works (would have been 30weeks if round 6 hadn’t gone so horribly wrong at 6weeks) or I could be normal and just eating Stilton wheels and drinking Baileys coffees daily 😍 who’s knows!! ….round 7 was cancelled (incase u noticed the numbers😜) I surged on the wrong day for frozen transfer 🙄

Round 8!! Who would have thought in April 2016 on my first round I would be still doing this in October 2018!! It’s so crazy to realise how much of my life so far has been full of heartache, mainly to do with trying to be a mummy (other things too but I won’t bore u with the deets)

Now don’t get me wrong I have had some absolutely amazing times and I have sooooo many happy memories with OH family and friends. I have a really happy life!! And I certainly wouldn’t ever class myself as “unhappy” without a baby but it’s always there…that feeling…that emptiness…that purpose in life that I’m missing…that feeling of loss and mourning for all the babies we have lost on this journey (5!)

It’s different to losing a baby normally I think (just my personal opinion) for people that miscarry when conceived naturally it’s already a baby, for me if I dont make it passed OTD then I lose an embryo, it’s not a baby yet but in my mind it’s still a baby cos it’s our embryo but it’s not a baby yet (confusing to read never mind feel) …ectopic baby loss..it’s a baby it’s a miscarriage..it’s life changing cos they take some of your chance to conceive naturally away from you (your tubes) then there’s the embryos that stick but are yet to get passed 6 weeks, they are babies already they are attached. People say well it’s better to lose it earlier on, is it??!! I don’t know. It didn’t feel better to me at OTD or 5weeks or 6weeks or 8week ectopic. They are all just as painful and heartbreaking as the last one.

But I need to try not dwell on all the loss!! I need to try focus on the next round, this round! Need to keep positive (easier said than done) I need to think and manifest some good into my life (fertility life, I’m happy with rest of my life) maybe if I picture myself at 11weeks at Xmas, if I picture it often enough and pray hard enough it will happen! …must not give up hope 😍🤞🏼🙏🏼🧚🏼‍♀️🥀